By Bunmi Sofola
One would have thought these busy-body scientists would have more beneficial things to do than delving into the anatomy of men. One of the great mysteries of mankind may have been solved by these Nosey Parkers. Scientists from King’s College in London have measured 15,000 penises in 16 countries.
This work has allowed them, after feeding the findings into computers, making boffinish statistical adjustments, twiddling knobs and squinting at graphs, to announce an average size for men’s undercarriage. This in turn has been seized on as having psychological significance. Apparently, men are now less likely to have a nervous collapse about their own shortcomings. “We have not been told the logistical in and out, if that is the term, of this ground-breaking global operation,” commented Martin Letts, a social critique. “The research demanded at least two readings (one at ease, one standing to quivering attention) for each specimen. The mind boggles. Were the laboratory assistants who took the data dreary middle-aged men speaking in monotones, or were they busty, sultry ladies with husky larynxes and widening eyes? To what level of exactitude were the measurements taken? What instruments were employed – school rulers, tape measures, laser micrometers or (ouch) cold, industrial clippers? While we’re about it, exactly how in 16 languages, do you say ‘sorry to interrupt your busy day, monsieur, but would you mind dropping your drawers so that my pouting assistant Miss Droop can take the bore and length of your old man?”
The ‘expert’ who led the psychiatrists from King’s College Hospital, announced that the average length of an erect penis is 5.6in. Typically, it sounds more in Continental centimetres – 13.12cm. The figure shrivels to 3.6in when the member is in a state of genital repose. “I seriously doubt that many men are much concerned by these readings,” continued Martin. “I bet most of us, when we read the report, discreetly did some thumb work to try to work out what 5.6in looks like, and then had a rough gonder below decks to see how we fared by comparison.
“But will men have been psychologically affected? Does size matter to them as it is said to matter, particularly to their wives and girlfriends? Or is this yet another attempt by the medical/psychiatric world to create colly wobbles where previously few existed? Dr. Veale said his findings would help doctors reassure the large majority of men that the size of their penis is in the normal range. He said he would ‘use the graphs to examine the discrepancy between what a man believes to be their position on the graph and their actual position’.
Another doctor disclosed that some men, poor fellows, suffer from something called body dysmorphic disorder, which can cause a person to have a distorted view of how he looks. Apparently, this is a serious source of anxiety to some gents, who become convinced they are laughably tiny. One does not wish to downplay the gravity of body dysmorphic disorder which no doubt exists. One naturally has Sympathy with those who may worry that they have been given short commons in the trousers department by the Almighty. “But is this perhaps a case of publicly employed scientists going to expensive lengths to investigate a not particularly widespread problem? Is male appendage size quite possibly a false hoo-hah created by society? There may be extreme cases of smallness or vastness, where it can create disharmony men and their sexual partners.
The late Elizabeth Taylor had physical difficulty with one of her early husbands, so enormous was his manhood. Wide as a beer can, apparently. But does any of this truly justify a research operation of the size (dread word) just carried out by these London medics? And anyway, are women really so concerned with measurements than size – namely love?
“For millennia, the male member has occupied a curious place. Immediately riposte: Yes, mate, between your legs! Men know there is not much they can really do to alter the equipment fate has given them. Women can increase, decrease the size of their busts by visiting a plastic surgeon, but medical science offers men much less chance to vary their dimensions.
“Similarly, despite all those baldness cure adverts, there is not much they can do to stop their hairlines receding. You just have to accept it and get on with life. Adrian Mole may have agonised about this subject, but he was created by a woman. I simply don’t believe, even in this age of explicit advertisements with endless commercial emphasis on sex, that men give much thought to their willy size.
“I attended boarding schools in the seventies and barely recall anyone mentioning how well hung they were. We did have one boy who was nicknamed ‘Chopper’, but that was because he was a notoriously dirty tackler on the football field. Did we size up one another in the communal showers? Not that I recall. Mind you, I have always been short-sighted and in showers, you naturally have to remove your spectacles.”
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